maybe

Yesterday the page remained empty. I suggest that today the fates have turned.
In the beginning things were great. Not a boy in the world knew this happiness. Not even me. Seeing things from an outside point of view is a decidedly adult trait and I'm not convinced that I've yet come close to mastering it, much less at age 6 when I was on my bicycle, on top of the world. Living my destructive home life did help me to appreciate the simple pleasure of being alone, no matter how infrequently solitude occurred. During these brief moments I created my own reality, which I was able to hold onto in times of trial.
As my older siblings went off to school I knew my chance to be, relatively, safe had come. I knew no one was watching and it was OK to let my guard down. At least a bit. I would swing or play in puddles and ponder the questions of life. How had I come into existence? When would my surroundings start to match my true identity? How do I keep myself safe?
I remember a yard sale in our trailer park and seeing a bicycle that was my size. I knew my birthday was coming up and I figured it was worth a try. I went home to gauge the situation, mom wasn't around so I waited. When I saw her face I knew. She's not going to hit me today, at least not right now. I had already thought out my approach, "Mama there's a sale and they have two bikes that are my size and one of them is $25, but there is another one to and that one is for only $13! I would like that one just as much. I know maybe we can't afford it, but if there was some way that would be so great since my birthday is so soon! Please Mommy?!"
When she was smiling that meant she loved me. And when she loved me she said yes. Unless she couldn't say yes, but that would make her cry so she always said yes, because I was her Baby.
But this particular day was AMAZING because she didn't say yes, she said "let's go look at it."
Let's go look at it!?! That didn't mean simply 'Yes, i'm not mad, but still you can't have what you want or need' that meant I was going to get a bike!!! A BIKE. I had never had a bike before. Actually I had never had ANYthing before. Nothing.
We went around the corner to where the yard sale was. I was holding my breath the entire time thinking it was too much money she would never go for it. And now that we were here if it didn't work out, she was going to be so mad.
I showed her the cheaper one and she said that wouldn't do. (Looking back I can see clearly in my mind's eye that it wasn't actually a bicycle but a rusty old yard ornament that was the shape of one.) Mommy said I needed the pretty blue one! But it was $25. "That's too much! Just get me the other one." She insisted. It was the 1st weekday of the month after all and Uncle Sam had generously doled out the $200 or so for the month and so we were eating.
I had to walk it home considering I had never even attempted to ride in my life thus far. But that was the happiest walk of my life! MINE. The other kids in the neighborhood saw me with My bike. Even my angry brother couldn't ward off the contagion of happiness that was emanating from my dirty little face.